A Funny Short Story About Pigs
While in my 30s and 40s, I wrote and compiled a collection of short stories titled The Naked Man and the Bear and Other True Stories from the Laughing Cabin. Included here is a funny short story about pigs that comes from the book. I hope you will enjoy a good laugh — or at least a smile — and never look at a pig the same way again. ~ Susan “Honey” Williams
To Market, To Market to Buy a Pet Pig
When I was in my early thirties, I had it in my head that I really, really wanted a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig to have as a family pet. Piglets were showing up in all the local “exotic” pet stores in south Florida in the 90s, and at only a few weeks old, they were SO adorable.
At one store, an enthusiastic clerk greeted me by placing a wriggling curly-tailed bundle in my arms. She knew what she was doing. I took one look at that cute little snout, and I fell hopelessly in love.
I was living in suburbia at the time — so it’s not like I had a barn, a field, or even a pen to keep a pig. I was fully prepared to bring it into the house and let it sleep on the bed with the kids and cuddle up with us on the couch for movie night. The clerk at the pet store told us that they are smarter than dogs and can be trained to do their business outside. Best of all, they don’t shed fur and supposedly don’t get fleas. And they were on sale at a bargain price of only $99!!!
The Perfect Pet
For whatever reason, I was convinced that THIS was the pet for me! That is, until someone pointed out that they don’t stay little forever. That sweet little five-pound piglet was going to grow into a 300-pound nightmare. Since I had never been around farm animals before, this was shocking news to me. I was SO disappointed.
Shortly after moving to north Georgia, I made a new friend who happened to have a small farm on her property. On her farm, she raised pigs. They were not Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, but the piglets were just as adorable.
So, I confided in her about my desire for a pig and how I wanted to give it a rhinestone-studded collar to wear and let it ride around with me in the passenger seat of my pick-up truck. I was serious about this and wasn’t cracking a smile when I said it, but to my surprise, this confession completely astonished my friend. Her jaw dropped straight to the ground.
Pigs on Parade
Then she laughed. OH, how she laughed. She laughed so hard that I became downright embarrassed until I realized that, to her, pigs were made for rolling in the dirt and cooking over a barbecue pit. Here I was, this you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me woman, fresh from the city, who didn’t want a pig for eating. No, I wanted to dress one up like a doll and parade it through the town square — in a county full of bib-overall-wearing farmers, at that!
That was years ago, and the whole “gotta have a pig” phase of my life is completely behind me. I now realize the social suicide I would have been committing if I had indeed tied a bow around a pig’s head and given it a fancy name like Petunia — which would have been my name of choice, by the way.
Even so, there is a streak of eccentricity that runs through my veins. I’ve got it under control, for now, but come find me in a few years. Who knows? Pet pigs may come back in style.
To Market, To Market to Buy a Pet Pig is a short story excerpt from the book, The Naked Man and the Bear and Other True Stories from the Laughing Cabin by Susan “Honey” Williams.
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